Recently I’ve noticed a few patterns in myself:
– Having positive intentions regarding people and my tasks but occasionally lacking mindfulness in some details that are likely to have detrimental implications
– Jumping into conclusions and engaging with the worst case scenarios in my head
– Getting hurt when others express their dissatisfaction
I’m wanting to celebrate the fact that I’m aware of these patterns because that’s the starting point for doing something about them. But it is also disheartening to realize that these are the very things I’ve been trying to work on for a long time. Somedays, I end up tangled in all three of these patterns together. For example, I lack the mindfulness to see out a task fully, this ends up having a negative impact on those close to me, they tell me how self-absorbed I’m and this triggers a spiral of negativity that shuts me down.
At the root of it, I’m sensing that I just want to be loved and accepted for who I’m. But there’s another aspect to me that wants to grow into a better version of myself. So when I receive feedback, there’s a tension inside of me. I’m thankful for feedback because it is a valuable gift. But the child in me simply wants to be seen as innocent and lovable.
It takes me sometime to come to grips with these needs of mine. At the spur of the moment, I tend to get defensive and this manifests in either feelings of shame or resentment. My usual pattern is almost always to shut down. Today, as I’m going through this spiral one more time, I simply want to remind myself that I’m only human. I might have had a negative impact on you but I also had a positive intent. I might have lacked mindfulness, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t care. I jump into conclusions, but I also try questioning my assumptions. I get hurt when you share your dissatisfaction, but I also empathize with your unmet needs. I shut down, but I also gather the courage to look inward shortly after. I have my imperfections but I’m growing. I’m only human, just like you.
The day I die, I wish for you to read this essay and forgive me for all the times I was disappointing, annoying, hurtful, infuriating, clumsy (insert any other negative adjectives) in your eyes. I was only human, just like you.
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