9.48pm. It’s just past my bedtime but on this night in particular, I’m awake for some reason I’m not quite sure why. I’m on my laptop, browsing through Facebook’s home page. A slight glance at a post suggests to me that you’ve found someone. I click on it to make sure; although I do admit- I’m desperately (in that blink of a second) hoping it’s not the case. The picture doesn’t have your face in it neither your supposed significant other’s, but it’s quite evident as you’ve locked hands to form a heart. “Maybe its just best friends showing their love for each other” a faithful voice inside my head tells me but then, all the congratulatory messages on the picture have just pronounced the little hopeful one dead.
But then you look happy and so, congratulations! Is that what they say when two people are newly together? I don’t know. I’m awkward at these things. But it does make sense for I want nothing but the best for you moving ahead.
As I close the tab, I go on a journey down memory lane to the times we met. Or dated. I think so- yeah, apparently we did. But then we eventually drifted. I had something for you but couldn’t muster the courage to express it. My inept to kiss you when the time was ‘right’ probably didn’t help either. Thought you’d understand but then, now I realize you only get in life what you have the courage to ask for. The lesson came late to me. However, come to think of it, even if we had kissed, and shared beautiful moments together, we’d probably reach a stage where you’d ask me where we stood. You would seek an answer; I would seek a better question. You would seek commitment; I would seek an end to the whole discussion. I would try buying some more time, but you’d desperately try convincing me to see the bigger picture- to act before it got too late.
Truth is, none of that happened. Yet still, it did get too late. I didn’t kiss and you never had to ask. But you did ask someone else (or he did), and you are together now. And as much as it kills me from inside to see you with him, the adrenaline of an early flowery stage of a new relationship has brought a glow to your face that makes you look even more beautiful. How could I possibly put a dent to that?
As I try to brush away this strange feeling of losing someone I never had, I quietly tell myself that I cannot complain. I cannot complain for I couldn’t act when required. And even if I did, I probably still wouldn’t have been able to commit. But it’s a strange feeling to realize that someone else did. One part of me is happy for you but the other half is sad in a way, a bit reluctant to accept the fact that I’ve missed my train.
And so as I wave a goodbye you’ll probably never know of, my only wish is for your man to never make the same mistake I did. I just wish he doesn’t have to stumble upon this essay someday to realize he has unraveled a gem he can’t possibly let go of.