The Mindful Nepali

People have children for a whole host of reasons. Some are eager to experience parenthood, whilst others feel social pressure to procreate. For some, it is what they feel is a natural thing to do in a long-term relationship, whereas for others it could be that they didn’t intend to have one but weren’t able or willing to abort. I can think of the following reasons as to why someone might end up having kid(s): 

• Interest in exploring parenthood
• Joy in playing with children
• Interest in continuing one’s family lineage 
• Interest in raising a family
• Insurance against old age
• Continuity of family business/inheritance
• Seeing child rearing as purpose of life
• Pressure from family/spouse/friends/larger society
• Conceiving wasn’t planned for but it felt morally wrong to abort
• Conceiving wasn’t planned for but it was too late to abort
• Conceiving wasn’t planned for but abortion was illegal
• The couple already have a kid and want the kid to have a sibling relationship
• The couple already have a kid and want a second opportunity to experience parenthood based on the first time’s learning
• Sense of responsibility in maintaining population of a country and/or continuing the human race

As for me, however, I always knew that being a parent wasn’t for me. So all these reasons fail to appeal to me. 

Here, I try outlining a few reasons why:

Personal: For as long as I can remember, I’ve never wanted to have children. I remember being turned off when people I dated talked about how they aspired to have x number of kids. Right then and there, I would know we didn’t have a future together. With one person I was dating, I once said I’d be okay with having 1 child but this was to please her in that moment (since she dreamt of having 3 children). I knew I wasn’t being honest. When I look at a child, I think of all the effort that’s required to raise them. It is a difficult and important job that needs to be done well by people who have the willingness to do it out of joy and not obligation. Furthermore, it is something that requires emotional maturity and financial capacity. As a person I have limited amount of time, energy and money, I’d rather use my limited resources for self-exploration and contributing through my work than to raise kid(s). People might question me and warn me against loneliness in old age but I’m not worried about that. 

Philosophical: Now some might think it is ‘selfish’ to not have a child. I’d disagree. I believe sentient life is filled with suffering and in aggregate, there’s more pain than pleasure if you look at the course of a human life. Bringing children into the world subjects them to suffering of all kinds they didn’t ask for. Parents never have a kid for the potential person’s sake- they do it out of their own needs- as mentioned above. My parents decided to conceive and here I’m. I don’t blame them for it and I’m not depressed, but if given a choice, I’d rather have not existed at all. You might say- but what about all the pleasures you have experienced? Wouldn’t you have missed out on them? Well, if I didn’t exist, I wouldn’t care about all the pleasures I would have been deprived of. Now, I’m not saying that life is so bad and all people should stop existing. What I’m focusing on is the difference between continuing life once we are already here and bringing a new born into existence knowing all the pains of suffering.

Financial: As someone who a) experienced financial hardships from large debt in his early 20s, b) is still facing the consequences of family financial crisis, c) prefers to live a frugal life and d) is still trying to overcome a scarcity mindset around money, I’m well aware of the financial burdens that come with raising a child. 

Environmental: Climate change, overpopulation, pollution, rise of AI and global conflicts make the world seem inhabitable to me and I’m scared thinking about what the state of the world will be like fifty years from now. I’m filled with even more fear and dread when I think about quality of life in Kathmandu and Nepal in general. 

Some people argue that one shouldn’t ‘think too much’ about parenting and just go for it. My opinion is that parenting is an important choice that people make and therefore anyone considering it should honestly think about the broader implications of the decision. One might say that I might go on to regret my choice of remaining childfree. As far as I know myself, I make decisions based on my values and what feels authentic to me and own up to them.

Being a parent isn’t for me.